The Truth About Finding Love As A Young Black Adult
Love can be hard to find these days, especially as a Black 20-something-year-old. But I’m lucky enough to have found my forever person.
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Growing up, I wasn’t all that interested in relationships. All my friends were in one, and I was often the odd one out. I was the love therapist—the one giving advice despite never having been in a relationship myself.
While my friends were getting together with someone (or breaking up), I was focused on my studies. However, regardless of my academic ambitions, I always had the quiet desire to experience love. And eventually, I did.
Before I left for college, I reconnected with an old friend I grew up with. Everyone knew he had a big crush on me, but me being the oblivious type, I never noticed. It wasn’t until I went through a tough breakup that things started to shift between us. The more time we spent together, the more I realized I was crazy not to have noticed him sooner.
Fast forward four years, and we’re now happily engaged. Never in a million years did I think I’d be engaged at 22. Not many people can say that.
But while I sit here preparing for a wedding, I can’t help but think about my peers who are still struggling to find love. So, I asked a few young Black adults how they feel about dating, and whether it’s really that bad out there.
How We Feelin’ Bout Love?
These days, genuine connection feels rare. Instead, much of modern dating seems centered around hookups and convenience.
Still, despite how common hookup culture seems, the numbers tell a more complex story. According to a 2024 National College Health Assessment cited by Forbes, over half of college-aged men and nearly half of college-aged women reported never having had vaginal sex. And among those who were sexually active, the majority had just one partner in the past year.
These statistics paint a more nuanced picture than the one we often assume. And after speaking with young Black adults, I found that while casual dating does exist, many people still want something real.
“I genuinely believe there are some people who are looking for real relationships, but they’re like a minority,” says an 18-year-old student from Stillwell School of the Arts. "People care more about what someone can offer rather than who they actually are.”
I’ve seen this play out, too. Some of my friends have gotten into casual relationships expecting something deeper, only to be hurt when their energy wasn't reciprocated. Others bounced from person to person, never fully connecting, yet still wondering why they felt unfulfilled.
So, the general consensus is clear: young Black adults crave connection, but commitment feels out of reach. So, what’s getting in the way?
Learning How To Love The Real Way
Finding love at 22 didn’t come easy. I had to learn a lot about myself while growing alongside my partner. Although my fiancé and I are still young, we’ve learned to work through challenges together and come out stronger for it.
Communication was our biggest hurdle. I used to bottle up my emotions and lash out instead of expressing myself. Other times, he was the one shutting me out. It took lots of time, and intention, for us to understand each other better.
Other young Black adults whom I’ve spoken with agree that communication, loyalty, and trust are most valuable in a relationship, but that it’s currently lacking in our generation. Because of this, some settle for situationships and ambiguity, not out of preference but out of self-protection.
“Dating is pretty scary because you never know how genuine someone is. You can’t always be sure of someone’s intentions,” said L.A., 22, in a previous Kulture article. “Based on my past experiences, I haven’t found anyone I could love 100% and have them love me back the same.”
Still, I don’t think all hope is lost. I’m proof that genuine love is possible. But, real relationships require real work.
For my fiancé and me to overcome our communication issues, we both had to actively agree to change ourselves for the better. Eventually, we learned that it was okay to give each other grace and express our feelings. It helped us regulate our emotions and reinforce our affection for one another. Both of us being honest about our emotions and talking through our problems is what propelled our relationship forward.
Tying A Different Knot
Even if better communication could solve some of our generation’s relationship woes, marriage still isn’t a top priority for many young Black adults. Well, at least not right now.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median age for a first marriage in 2024 was 30.2 for men and 28.6 for women. That’s a big jump from the 1950s, when it was 23 and 20, respectively.
“It's something that people do after they have achieved a number of other accomplishments in life, whether that be completing their education, getting a real job, paying off or minimizing their debt, and being ready to buy a house. And those are - buy - hurdles for a growing share of Americans,” says Susan Brown, director of the Center for Family and Demographic Research, in a NPR interview.
It’s already hard enough to build a sustainable life as a young adult in this economy. So naturally, many of us want to find our own footing before we bring someone else into the picture.
But that doesn’t mean marriage is off the table completely.
Marriage still means a lot to people, including me. Whenever I watch characters in movies get married, I imagine myself doing the same: walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress, saying the "I dos", and sharing a first dance.
Back in the day, marriage was more of a necessity. It was a sign of financial stability and social expectation. But now, our generation is redefining what it means on our own terms.
“Marriage can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people! I love the idea of marriage and find it necessary for me! I want someone to make that commitment to me,” said a student from Kennesaw State University. “ I want someone to be so in love with me that they yearn for me to have their last name. However, I understand that’s not the case for everyone, and people should be able to choose what they are most comfortable with.”
Young people have declared that marriage isn’t required to show love for one another. In their minds, why spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a marriage that may or may not last? Why pay for a marriage certificate when love is beyond the legal binding of a couple? For some, marriage works, and for others, it doesn’t.
In the End, Everything Will Work Out
Love is complicated, especially for young Black adults like myself who are still learning about themselves, the world, and their place in it.
For a long time, I didn't think love would ever be on the table for me. I seriously thought I was going to grow up alone with a dog or a cat to keep me company. It’s ironic, actually, back in high school everyone seemed to be deep in the dating pool except me, but now, as a young adult, I'm the one who is fully submerged.
It’s truly a blessing to experience something so deep and meaningful. And I’m grateful that I got to walk this path with someone who supports me, challenges me, and grows with me.
So, to every young Black adult reading this: love is out there for you, and it's full of affection, loyalty, and honesty.
It may be messy at times. You might even question if it’s even worth it. But when you find that person you truly connect with, all the work love requires will feel more than worth it.
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