How to Deal With Friends Who Are Secretly Competing With You
Not them acting like life is a race!
I’ve always been the friend who celebrates loudly. I hype my people up, I send the ‘I’m proud of you’ texts, and I drop hearts under every win. I’ve gone all out for birthdays, showed up when it mattered, and never hesitated to help financially. If a friend needed something, I gave it, no questions asked.
But somehow, those same friends only seemed to reach out when it was convenient for them. When I needed support? Crickets. And to make it worse, they'd hit me with unsolicited “advice,” pointing out flaws I didn’t ask them to fix. “Why don’t you switch up your hair?” or “You’d look cute in this outfit,” as if who I already was didn’t measure up. I’d brush it off, but deep down, something didn’t sit right.
I recently saw a TikTok from @notnadismediacorner, who cut off a friend of 10 years. She explained that once she leveled up, her friend started openly comparing them, and even started pocket-watching.
I felt that. It hit home because I’ve had people around me act like we were in competition, not supporting me the way friends should.
We all know about the loud, obvious hating—when someone tries to down-talk you in front of everyone. But there's also that quiet, subtle kind that’s easy to miss (like that one friend who smiles but is low-key throwing shade). They act all supportive, but there's always a weird vibe, like little jabs or backhanded comments that leave you questioning their true feelings about you.
So… how do you spot someone who’s secretly competing with you?
Sometimes, it’s not what someone says but what they don’t say. They might nod at your success but somehow act like it’s nothing, or start copying your moves. Pay attention, though; these actions speak louder than anything. To protect yourself from passive-aggressive jealousy, I’ve outlined some common signs that someone may be secretly competing with you.
1. They keep tabs on you, but never show real support.
You know the type. The friends always lurking on your stories, never liking your posts, but always mentioning what they saw on your page when you see them in person.
2. Their compliments feel...off.
I remember one time I showed up to class with my hair laid, and one girl goes, “Is it your birthday?” with this scrunched-up face, like she was surprised by how I looked. Like, wait, what? That’s not a compliment—that’s shade, implying I don’t look good on the regular. I was ready to hit her with a “go to hell” (respectfully), but I let it slide.
3. They only share good news when it outshines yours.
Let’s say you text your friend all excited about your new car, not trying to flex at all. They reply with a dry “That’s nice,” then magically decide to post a full new apartment tour on their story an hour later. You can’t tell me that wasn’t planned to make your news seem small. Whole time, they’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to top you.
4. They copy you, then act brand new.
You put them on to a new show, hairstyle, or song, and suddenly, it’s their discovery. They act like it’s their whole personality, but never mention where they got the idea. It’s like you were just a stepping stone for them to make their “new” obsession look original. The problem? It’s not a one-time thing. It’s a constant pattern, and it’s frustrating because you see the shift. They act like they’re too good to give you credit, but you see it for what it is.
5. They treat your success like a competition they didn’t sign up for.
You finally land the job, and instead of hyping you up, they’re like, “Damn, I was gonna apply for that too,” or start venting about how hard they work and still get turned down. Suddenly, your win turns into their opportunity to drop their own resume. The switch-up is palpable; they go from chill to bitter, as if your success personally offended them. What started as your win now feels like a reflection of their insecurity. It’s performative jealousy, plain and simple.
And look, sometimes it’s not even malicious. Insecurity can make people act funny. But just because someone’s secretly competing doesn’t mean you have to play along.
5 Ways to Protect Your Peace Around Quiet Competitors
1. Don’t dim your light.
It’s mad tempting to shrink yourself when someone starts acting weird about your happiness. Don’t even think about it. Their discomfort is not your problem. Keep showing up as your full self, unapologetically. Like Rihanna said, “Shine bright like a diamond.”
2. Stop oversharing.
We’ve all been excited about a win and ready to share, but not everyone needs to be in the loop. Some things are better left unsaid until they’re fully yours to claim. Keep your next move under wraps, not because you’re hiding, but because you’re choosing who gets to witness your growth. Protect your energy by only sharing with people who genuinely support you.
3. Celebrate your wins anyway.
Don’t let anyone make you second-guess your joy. You got that promotion? Give yourself a pat on the back. You booked that solo trip? Take hella pics on the beach in Jamaica and don’t give a damn! Waiting for validation from others isn’t worth it. Enjoy your success, you’ve earned it.
4. Trust your instincts.
A shady comment here and there? Cool. But if it keeps happening every time you level up? Baby, that’s intentional. Your gut is screaming at you for a reason—listen up. Protect your energy like it’s gold, because that’s exactly what it is.
5. Distance doesn’t need a big announcement.
You don’t have to make a whole production out of cutting people off. Sometimes, you just gotta fall back. Stop giving them access to your time, your energy, and your life. Let them wonder what happened. You’re too busy winning to worry about their nonsense.
At some point, we all have to accept that not everyone in our corner is truly cheering us on. That’s just the reality. But here’s the thing: you don’t need the approval of anyone who can’t celebrate you fully. Keep moving in your lane, and trust that the right people will support you without all the subliminal digs.
Focus on your growth, not their low-key competition. You don’t owe anyone your energy, especially not when they’re trying to drain it. So keep your head up, your heart steady, and your vision clear. You’ve got everything you need to keep winning, and the best part? You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.
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